Machete Kills Movie Review
by Brian Wezowicz
This past weekend I was privy to two action movies, the first of which was Machete Kills, by Robert Rodriguez. This was a total shit sandwich of a movie that doesn't really deserve more than a few words, but since I spent the time and money to see this abomination, I will do my best.
If the first Machete set the standard for a real movie based on a fake trailer, then Machete Kills sets the standard for driving a once funny idea into the ground. The first one was a continuation of Rodriguez' and Quentin Tarantino's highly enjoyable Grindhouse double feature. This one is the direct opposite of enjoyable... and this is coming from a guy who really enjoys his stupidly violent movies. Machete Cortez (played by the ugliest man in the world, Danny Trejo), does one thing in this movie: kill. Very rarely do you find a movie where the entire plot can be summed up in its title. Machete kills in every way possible. Machete kills with his hands. Machete kills with a knife. Machete kills with a gun. Machete kills with a helicopter. And, yes, Machete kills with a machete. That's about it as far as plot goes. There is no deeper meaning. At least the first movie tried to tie in a statement (as weak as it was) about illegal immigration into its 90 minutes of knives and violence.
I guess if I really have to describe what goes on in this movie, I will do my best. Machete Kills opens with yet another fake trailer for the next in this please god, don't make another one, movie series, Machete Kills, Again... In Space. It's all down hill from there. Machete is called back into service by the President of the United States played by Charlie Sheen (going under his birth name of Carlos Estevez). Don't worry Martin, your role as the best Sheen president has nothing to worry about. The Prez needs Machete's help in hunting down a mad man, hell bent on blowing up the US. Machete has to air drop into Mexico to stop this villain, who in true James Bond style, lives in a converted Aztec temple, and return him to the US before a bomb blows up Washington. Along the way, Machete runs into a slew of comical bad guys. By this point, I was nodding off and checking my phone every 5 minutes. Let's see, Sophia Vergara plays a Mexican madame that shoots bullets out of her boobs. Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding, Lady Gaga, and Antonio Banderas all play the same bounty hunter (it's not really a spoiler alert, just a terribly pointless running gag). Oh, and Mel Gibson in full Mel Gibson crazy mode, plays Voz, a billionaire industrialist who wants to spread war and mayhem across the globe.
I found myself wanting to leave a movie early for the first time in my entire life. I give this movie 1/2 star out of 4. The 1/2 star was for the first time Machete used a helicopter blade to kill someone. I chuckled. As soon as this movie was done, I was instantly reminded of this scene from Billy Madison. Needless to say, I will not be lining up for the sequel.
Escape Plan Movie Review
by Brian Wezowicz
After one of the worst movie experience I have ever had, I went in to Escape Plan, starring Sylvester Stallone and my childhood hero, Arnold Schwarzenegger, with extremely low expectations. I have to say that this movie was a lot better than I expected. Maybe my eyes were still covered in the stink of Machete Kills, but this movie was a lot of fun. And, even though it was about 20 years and 2 Governator terms too late, but I found myself cheering for this much ballyhooed matchup of 80's action stars. That's not to say it's without its flaws, but overall I was entertained.
Sylvester Stallone plays Ray Breslin, the world's leading expert in prison structural security. He has literally written the book on prison escape. He goes from prison to prison finding the weaknesses and vulnerabilities that he ultimately uses to escape. We meet him during his most recent escape. He runs the warden through his prison's faults and the plan he used to escape with his team of escape experts. (One of the most unbelievable parts of this movie is 50-Cent playing a computer expert, because when I think of computer expert, I think of 50-Cent.) Upon returning, he is presented with an offer he can't refuse by the CIA. They want him to test out their inescapable new fortress, nicknamed "The Tomb." He instantly agrees, but soon realizes things are not as they seem. He is cut off from his team and can only rely on a brilliant mysterious inmate, Emil Rottmayer (Schwarzenegger) to get out. Together they must brave the hellacious Tomb and its equally terrible Warden (played with surprising gusto by Jim "Jesus" Caveziel).
If you don't count the two Expendables movies, this is the first full-fledged matchup of Stallone and Schwarzenegger. They both seemed to be having fun chewing up the scenery together and delivering some pretty fun one-liners. With the exception of the warden, the top prison guard (played by classic asshole bad guy actor, Vinnie Jones), and a few other guys, the other characters are pretty faceless. This is definitely a Stallone/Schwarzenegger movie and they don't really waste much time developing the other characters. The escape plan is pretty formulaic, but it doesn't really matter because the chemistry between the top two guys on the ticket is so strong. I also would have liked to have seen a little more development with Breslin's back story.
I give this movie 2.5 stars out of 4. It had enough to hold my attention, and I'm always all-in on a Rambo/Terminator combo (I guess that's why I own both Expendables movies and watch them on a regular basis). This movie is not going to win any awards (unless it's the geriatric HGH usage awards), but you will have a good time if you're looking for a mindless action romp.
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